I was pleased to be invited to tell something about our story for the Houston FSA blog. Our adoption journey started in Houston, although we didn’t adopt there. We also didn’t adopt through LDSFS, despite trying to do so for about 3 ½ years. We ended up adopting through a private agency in Utah.
Originally I thought I would tell about our adoption journey – from infertility, to waiting, to finally – after six years of marriage - adopting our beautiful little girl, to the very quick and miraculous adoption of our baby boy. It’s a beautiful story and one I like to share, but I decided to share a different story on this blog – the story of Jalen’s birth mother.
I should start with Baylie, our daughter. Her adoption was closed by request of her birth mother. I’m a little ashamed to admit that having a closed adoption was a relief for me. It made things easier and less complicated, at least for now. I didn’t have to “share” my little girl. I worried about how it would affect Baylie, but as for me – I was happy with the situation.
In January, we started considering a second adoption. We didn’t know why, but we felt pressed to get ready as soon as possible. We contacted our agency, updated our paperwork, sold a car and scrambled to find financing - then prepared to wait. We learned of a couple of babies being born in March and figured that would give us a little bit of time to get ready. We were completely caught off guard to receive a call five days later telling us a little boy had just been born in Virginia and was ours if we could get on a plane that night. Jalen’s birth mom not only wanted an open adoption, but she also wanted us to promise to visit her on a regular basis. I was a little nervous about this arrangement, but had received confirmation that this was supposed to be our little boy. Plus, I wanted to honor his birth mother’s wishes.
We first met Jalen’s birth mom in the hospital the day after his birth. It had taken us 13 hours to get there. We drove straight from the airport to the hospital. I can't really describe the feeling of knocking on a hospital room door and entering to meet the mother of your future child. I'm not sure how I felt: excited? invasive? nervous? She was holding her little baby. I asked her if she was okay and if she was comfortable with her decision. She asked if I wanted to hold the baby. I told her no, that I would have plenty of time to hold him and I wanted her to hold him as long as possible. I showed her the picture we had brought for her of our family. I'm not sure if she knew about Baylie before that, but she seemed relieved to see the picture. We talked a little bit about ourselves. She was a sweet girl and she loved her little boy. Later in the day as I heard her talking to her sister on the phone, she cried as she explained that she had to do this because she knew it was the best thing for her baby. It brought tears to my eyes as well.
Legally when you adopt a child, you can name the baby whatever you want. In the case of Baylie, we have a closed adoption, so we gave her a completely different name from the one her birthmother had selected. In the case of Jalen, his birthmother seemed very concerned that we would change his name, so out of respect for her, we kept the first name she had chosen, Jalen. It was hard for me not to give Jalen the name I had always planned for my first born son. The name we had planned on had family connections and a deep meaning for us. I realized that in some ways, I would now be sharing a child with another woman. This caused conflicting feelings in me and more than a little guilt over the fact that I felt conflicted.
For a variety of reasons on both our parts, our follow-up visit with Jalen’s birth mom was postponed twice. When we were finally able to schedule a visit, we traveled across the country, capped off by a 10-hour round trip drive in order to meet with her. Unfortunately, at the last minute, she decided she wasn’t ready to meet with us. In my heart, I know she wanted to see Jalen. I think it was just emotionally too hard for her and she admitted she didn't know how to act around us and was uncomfortable. My husband David was very kind on the phone. He reassured her that we didn't think poorly of her and that instead we respected her for her decision to place her baby with us. He was amazing. I was disappointed, sad and angry, but also a little relieved. I felt we had lived up to our promise and her decision not to see us gave me a way out of having to visit again.
We continued texting back and forth, and I kept sending her pictures, but I didn’t plan on visiting her again. I know this doesn’t make me sound like a very good person. I was scared. I didn’t know what our relationship would be like, I knew her family didn’t support the adoption, I didn’t know what it would be like for Jalen, and I worried about how Baylie would feel. And most of all, I didn’t know what it would be like for me as his mother to be around the woman who gave birth to Jalen. Would we have to define which of us was his “real” mother? And if so, which of us would it be?
This is where the Lord stepped in yet again. My husband was applying to graduate schools and we ended up in South Carolina, just five hours away from Jalen’s birth mother. And as time passed, I knew the right thing to do for all of us – especially Jalen – was to meet. His birth mom was very excited when we set up the second meeting.
We drove five hours to meet her. At first, we thought she was going to cancel on us again. But then she walked through the door. It was kind of awkward at first. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should we hug? Shake hands? Nothing? But my awesome husband just jumped up and gave her a big hug, so I followed suit. Before long the ice was broken and we just started talking.
As for Jalen, from the time he woke up in the morning, it seemed like he knew something was happening. He was really excited and couldn't contain himself - kicking and squirming and squealing. Jalen doesn't normally take to strangers. He keeps a very straight face and stares them down. Sometimes it's a little embarrassing. But he loved his birth mother from the very beginning. He knew she was someone special. He smiled for her and reached out to her. It was beautiful to see. I was surprised that I didn’t feel jealous at all. I just felt joy.
It meant a lot to us to have Jalen’s birth mother tell us that she is happy with her decision and knows she made the right choice. Her family has not been very supportive and I think she is a strong woman to have made the choice and to stand by it. We also learned that she had looked at other couples before us, but never felt right about it. She said that once she met us, she knew we were the right family for Jalen. I told her that his joining our family was truly a miracle for us.
I wasn't sure what this visit would be like, but it couldn't have been better. It was really wonderful for all of us. I realized that we are both Jalen’s “real” mother; we can share him without infringing on one another. We can both love and appreciate each other for the distinctive roles we have played and will play in his life. She has blessed me by choosing me as the adoptive mother for her son and I have blessed her by giving him a nurturing and loving home. We’re on the same team.
I look forward to future visits. I’m not scared any more. I’m incredibly happy that Jalen will know his birth family. What a blessing. I now hope and pray that one day Baylie’s mom will feel the desire to reach out and get to know her beautiful little girl.
Note: I received permission from Jalen’s birth mom to use her picture in our family blog, but out of respect for her privacy, I don’t use her name.
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