I'd like to start with a little about me. My name is Amber, I am an identical twin. She is my best friend and her name is Ashley. We are nineteen years-old. We are the youngest in our family. My parents had 6 girls and 1 boy. My family has been a great support through this whole experience. I'm so grateful for their love and help.
Some things I am very passionate about are singing and running. I love to sing, both my sister and I have taken 6 years of choir in school. We have sung duets for hundreds of events both religious and secular. We've sung at sporting events, patriotic memorials, school programs, informal gatherings and so on. I also love to run. I was on the high school track and cross country team in Utah starting while I was in junior high. I enjoy watching and playing all sports and am very active. I enjoy school and learning new things. My best subject in school is English.. not so good at math.. :)
Here's part of an email I sent to those couples I was looking at during my pregnancy- describing my situation, and my emotions during this time:
So about my baby... How should I put this? I was a victim of a rape. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't know the man who raped me. I just know that he was a large African American and that's about it. I was drugged and don't remember much of what happened. However bad this was - I felt that this baby deserved a chance to live a happy life. He isn't at fault - I hope to make something wonderful happen from something that wasn't so wonderful to start with. It's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through. After some mixed emotions including anger, depression, and hopelessness I decided that through my decision to put him up for adoption this could end up a happy experience for all of us. My testimony of the atonement and my relationship with my Savior have really grown into something I didn't know I could experience - and I've become extremely grateful for this journey. I feel I've been able to treat the experience as an opportunity for growth and service and love. Treating it this way has helped me overcome my biggest shortcomings - being selfish and self-conscious. It’s not hard to be self-conscious as a 19 year-old pregnant girl in the LDS church ;o) but at about 4 months along I made the decision to bear my testimony on growing from trials in Relief Society. I told them of my situation and asked for their support and love. Once again, my testimony of the gospel was strengthened as these sisters became my support and extended family.
I didn't expect that this could happen to me. I thought I'd be at college attending a student ward and my biggest decisions would be who I would go out with this weekend and what I'd wear ;o)
So now I'm 30 weeks along and the baby is due in the middle of October. Time has really flown by and now I'm worried about finding the right family for my little "peanut" - (that's what we call him). I love him so much and I'm hoping to find a couple that will love him just as much.
Fast forward to the present.
L.D.S Family Services is the reason I am who I am today. Without their help, and love, and support there is no way that I could have had such an amazing outcome. Let me tell you a little bit about finding the adoptive parents, and the experience of offering my baby for adoption.
So once I felt such stability and comfort with L.D.S. Family Services I had everything figured out... well that's what I thought. I still needed to find the right couple. I felt a huge burden knowing that there is a special couple out there waiting for my Little Peanut, I had felt that since the beginning.. now it was up to me to find them out of all the thousands of couples on the L.D.S website. I spent hours and hours reading hundreds of profiles. After a while my mother and I decided to just look at the pictures and strive to have the spirit to prompt us in which profiles we should take extra time to look at. So after a while of that we narrowed it down to 5 couples.. then 3.. then 2.. so I loved one couple who were very dynamic and interactive in their emails, and the other couple was more sweet but I could feel the spirit when I read their emails. I was torn about which couple I should choose so I decided to meet both of them, bringing along my parents and twin sister, of course.
I met with the couple that I was sure about first, just in case I was right, I could easily decide between the two. Well I immediately was surprised. The couple wasn't anything that I expected. Sure, they were extremely outgoing, but I knew right off that they were not the couple I was looking for. So we sent them on their way and thanked them for meeting with me. I was so shocked, so I started getting myself ready for disappointment to hit me with the second couple. As soon as they walked through the door, I felt a strong, calming, familiar spirit about them. I knew from the first few moments I met them that they were the right couple. They have an amazing story and such strong testimonies. So I was extremely excited about the time with them.
Well, we ended up spending over 2 hours talking, then at the end before they left I invited them to go to lunch with me and my family. My family, on the other hand, were like “What??” at my invitation, but once we had a chance to talk about how amazing they were, the spirit confirmed again that they were the rightful parents to this sweet spirit.
We decided to meet in 2 hours at Macaroni Grill (they wanted to do a session at the Temple while they were in town). So we ran to get a card with baby feet on the front, and I wrote in it that I had chosen them to be the parents. In the middle of our meal I handed it to them casually and said it was just a little thank you card for meeting with me. They said thank you and sat it down. My dad said “Read it” so they did...I will never forget the look on her face. She read the note to herself, mouthing the words with her lips-her husband a little behind- and then she looked up at me with gratitude, and amazement in her eyes and said, “Really?” like she couldn't believe it, I couldn’t hold back the tears but I immediately replied “Yes.” She then stood up and gave me a hug. Her husband followed and did the same. They were so grateful. Until that moment I never knew how deeply important it is to a married couple to have children of their own, a family of their own. I am so happy to have been an active participant of such a blessing.
And the rest is now history...
I have been blessed in so many ways through this experience, I never even felt like a “pregnant woman.” The constant aching etc. I never felt any differently than the way I normally feel. I just kept getting bigger. I kept expecting it to finally get bad.. to finally become a serious trial. That never came. Not even at the end. I further expected it to be harder, but after the two days in the hospital with my little peanut I felt such peace as I was signing the papers. I began to feel such a strong spirit as I initialed everything. My every prayer was answered. This wasn't the only way it could have ended. I know, and firmly believe that I have been so blessed through this experience because I put my trust in the Savior. Without His help during this time I don't know who I'd be. I have learned that with the Lord there is always hope, always strength, and always Love. He can become your best friend. James 15:13 reads, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” His atonement is the most significant act of Love. Because of my testimony of the Atonement and through this experience I am now a stronger disciple, a happier more confident person, and am a more willing participant in helping others, and for that I will be forever grateful.
