Our Story, Part I

Eleven years ago, when people could come and go inside airports as they pleased, I flew from Salt Lake to Atlanta to visit my sister. Upon leaving, she and two of her children were with me to say goodbye at the terminal, I was bawling, of course, you know the “ugly cry.” I was one of the last to board the plane and tried leaning forward to look through the window back into the terminal to blow one last kiss and wave good-bye to my tearful sister. Bad idea. Or maybe not.

Loaded down with packages and a fully stuffed backpack I lost my balance and smacked right into the gentleman in front of me. Humiliated I thought if I could just get to my seat and on the plane I’d just cry all the way to Houston and then on to Salt Lake. Lo and behold that gentleman was seated next to me on the flight. That flight and an email account changed my life.

One year and multiple life changing moments later we were married. I was 32 and officially a late bloomer. I had no idea how late “to the party” I was. There was no question we wanted children and assumed all that would just naturally fall into place...after all hadn’t I done everything I was supposed to? Followed all the YW lessons, stayed true to my temple covenants, repented, stayed active, taught Gospel Doctrine, Relief Society, read my scriptures, prayed? But all too soon the procreative years were falling off the precipice of reality and the crushing weight of childlessness in a child-filled church was overwhelming. The fasting, prayer, and temple attendance so familiar to most of you became our lifeline. The Savior was the only one able to pull us through and he did in a most beautiful, tender way.

Our birthmother was 12 when we were married. We hadn’t met {in this life} yet. She would have been far too young and innocent for the experience ahead had she become our birthmother on my time table. I’m thankful for “unanswered” prayers. And so the 7 years that felt so precious, irretrievable and long-gone to me were the right amount of time for her to have the maturity necessary to make the most difficult and painful decision of her life. She is the most radiant, intelligent, and beautiful woman and birthmother I have ever met. And she gave us the daughter of our dreams who is also radiant, intelligent and beautiful. I feel so very blessed by them both. And in the process we gained an entire family to love and cherish.

Our polynesian birth father inaugurated us into the trans-racial world of adoption. We love him for giving Sydney a treasured heritage and the other half of her “designer” genes, as we like to call it.

Placement was its own form of painful, intense labor, and not because there was ever a risk or question but because we loved this family so much we could hardly bear to see them suffer through the events that transpired 48 hours after Sydney’s birth. It was tremendously joyful to bring home the most beautiful baby known to man but also tinged with heartache, sorrow, and loss. It is difficult to describe and for many difficult to understand.


Sydney made everything better. The sun shone again. Birds sang. The world was new and exciting. Mark and I raced to be the one to feed her in the middle of the night. The one who got to her first got to rock her while the other made her bottles. She had the full and devoted attention of two people who had waited and anticipated her arrival for 7 long years {and you might as well know, I waited not just 7 years but my whole life for her. I came to earth wanting nothing more than to be a mother}. I felt that if she was all there ever was, she was more than enough. But the Lord had more in store...